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There were once a couple named Bob and Barbera. Every year the two would go to see an airshow, and every year there would be a man willing to fly anyone in his airplane for 50 bucks. The first tiem they went Bob said, "Barbera I'd really like to go on the airplane ride." Barbera replied, "It would be ncie but 50 bucks is 50 bucks. The next time they went Bob said, "Barbera can I please go on that airplane ride?" Barbera replied, "Im sorry but 50 bucks is 50 bucks. Finally the next time they went Bob talked to the pilot and the pilot made a deal with Bob, he said: Look Ill take you up for free as long as you promise not to make any noises, but if you do you have to pay 50 bucks." They agree, and the pilot took them up, while in the air he did all the wildest spins, flips and turns he could do, when they landed back down he said, "Ya know Bob I just put you through the wildest ride ever and you never said a thing, congrats no charge." Bob replied, " Yah I guess I should have said something when Barbera fell out the window but 50 bucks is 50 bucks."
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This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.
'Hey, what's that?'
'A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.'
'Can I try?' The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.
'Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!'
'Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?'
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Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - I mean, I was married to her for 40 years after all.
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A man was taking a shortcut through the woods to get home from work when he stumbles across a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "I will grant you three wishes, but be aware that I am not like most genies. Each wish you make will be doubled for every lawyer in the world. Now that you know, make your wishes!"
The man thinks for a moment. "Hmm, I've always wanted a million dollars. I wish for that!"
Just then, a million dollars in cash appears in front of him.
"Your wish is granted". The genie says. "But remember! All the lawyers in the world just received two million dollars".
The man thinks of a second wish. "Hmm, I've always wanted a hummer. I wish for that!"
Just then, the keys to a hummer pop into his pocket.
"Your wish is granted". The genie says. "But remember! All the lawyers in the world just received two hummers".
The man thinks of a third wish. "Hmm, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...
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Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.
"oh burn, i had nothing to do with this"
-Karl
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."
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There was a man and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of beautiful it was cute. She asked him "What happened to beautiful"? His reply was "The drugs are wearing off."
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This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off.
Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off.
I went to get into my car, and the door
handle came off in my hand.
Now I'm afraid to pee.
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
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